Every day I hear it over and over. Probably the most dominant theme in the gym. We have so many oilfield moms – holding down the fort while their husband works away. Doing everything, never alone, but incredibly alone.
I have three kids. Two cats. Two best friends. A sister, three brothers, a niece and three nephews. Two sets of parents. A boyfriend. Business buddies. And a gym full of co-conspirators. An unbelievable group of people who make my world go round.
So how is it that at the end of the day I feel so incredibly alone?
Not alone, like no one has my back alone. Alone, like there’s no one to talk to at the end of the day. Like something is missing. I go to bed…alone. I wake up…alone. I watch movies by myself. I hang out on Twitter to connect with other people who are up past 10 pm. My kids go to their dad’s for the weekend, and I’m alone. I’ll be going to meet my new nephew alone, and I’ll be doing Easter dinner without a partner.
I haven’t had someone on the couch beside me every night in ten years. And honestly, I was okay with it for a really long time. I was happy to just be able to put the kids to bed and not have to deal with anyone else. It made having an oilfield husband ideal for me…which says a lot about how my life was. Even when my ex-husband and I split up, I wasn’t worried about being alone. Totally cool with it. Used to it. Ready for it. Not interested in having anyone new involved in my life.
I really do enjoy being on my own. I like to be by myself. But there’s something missing in the big picture that I never really longed for before. When I think about being 65, sitting on a deck, drinking wine and chatting, there is a face on the person in the chair beside me. That’s big for me.
So I feel lonely. Because I can see the picture. Some days I get to live it briefly. I hope that someday all the gears click together and I’ll have that arm around me every night.
“Hello, baby, it’s only me I know you’re tired, it’s been a long hard week I was thinking maybe if you ain’t got no plans I just wanna be your man.” Bon Jovi
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